Gnomeo & Juliet
by Editor-Bug
Summary: Cartman and Wendy are determined to land the lead roles in South Park Elementary's less-than-stellar theater production, "Gnomeo & Juliet". Only good can come of this. Candy! ONE-SHOT! Read & review if you like! Rated T for language.


(A/N: I wanted to go all out and actually use lines from the script of Gnomeo & Juliet, but long story short, it didn't work out.

Also, AS USUAL, I started writing this a long-ass time ago, before Season 20, so, uh, in this story, Stan and Wendy are still together, and Cartman isn't in a relationship with Heidi. Okay? Okay. READ ON!)

* * *

"Thank you, fourth graders, for attending this special assembly...m'kay, now to jump right into it. I'm sure you were all looking forward to the Romeo & Juliet play we said we'd be putting on in a couple weeks, m'kay...well, we lied. Due to budget cuts, we unfortunately have to put on an incredibly less expensive production...Gnomeo & Juliet...m'kay."

The entire fourth grade collectively groaned. Some students even tried to leave.

"Sit down! M'kay, sit down, it's not that bad!" Mr. Mackey continued. "That film received quite a few positive reviews, had an incredible voice cast, and very accurately mirrors Shakespeare's original vision...! M'kay! So we're all going to deal with it like good little children, and, godammit, we're still going to make this play as great as it can be! ...m'kay."

After the assembly, a disheartened Wendy met up with Stan outside. She had been planning to try out for the play with Stan for days now, but there was no way Wendy would want to kiss Stan up on stage in front of everybody with both of them dressed like lawn gnomes. The very thought of it was humiliating.

Wendy found Stan, as usual, alongside Kyle, Cartman and Kenny.

"Can you believe that just happened?" she asked incredulously.

"Uh, no- -" Stan began.

"No!" Cartman cut in. "I saw that movie, it sucked ass! What shithead gave it a positive review?"

The group paused, choosing to ignore Cartman.

"And I was SO looking forward to you and I getting the lead roles," sighed Wendy. "But you don't deserved to be reduced to a...James McAvoy-gnome, Stan!"

Stan, who didn't even want to be in the play, shrugged. "I never would've gotten the part anyway."

"Yeah, your acting sucks donkey balls," Cartman said.

"Will you shut up?" Wendy snapped. "No one was talking to you!"

"Ah, geez..." Stan, who was standing between the two, fled the scene, for once they were at each other's throats, there was no talking them out of it, no matter how stupid the argument. Cartman always seemed especially furious when feuding with Wendy.

"Well, no asked YOU to show up and start bitching!" Cartman said angrily.

"I wasn't bitching, I was addressing an issue! And while I agree that Gnomeo & Juliet is an abysmal excuse for a film representing the original Shakespearean tragedy, there's no need for you to be such a DICK about it and insult Stan's acting!" retorted Wendy.

Cartman made a scoffing noise. "We all know I can, and WOULD, be a better actor than Stan! Even playing a sucker like Romeo!"

"Romeo is a beautifully written romantic character, you uncultured swine! And you couldn't play him if your life depended on it!"

"I COULD TOO! At least better than you as that 'Juliet' bitch would be!"

"Yeah right! I'd give Juliet's character the expert performance it deserves, while YOU'D just make Romeo look like a fat slob!"

"Would not!"

"Would too!"

"Well, I guess we'll see, then, 'Juliet'!"

"I suppose we WILL, 'Gnomeo'!"

"I'LL SHOW YOU!" they hollered in each other's faces. With that, they stomped their separate ways.

"...wow," Kenny said after the two had gone. He was completely lost.

"Really?" Kyle asked no one in particular. "Do neither of them see what's going to end up happening?"

"What's gonna happen, Kyle?"

Kyle just stared at Kenny, shocked by how blind he was.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

For the next week or so, Cartman and Wendy practiced almost endlessly. They both printed up transcripts of the Gnomeo & Juliet movie and read from them any chance they got. Cartman rehearsed his lines at the dinner table, and Wendy bailed out on her gal pals to practice several times. Nothing would keep them from proving themselves and rubbing in the success.

Naturally, the two of them aced the tryouts.

When Wendy finished her audition, Cartman confronted her outside the auditorium.

"So, how'd you do?" he asked tauntingly. "Did Mackey manage to keep his lunch down?"

"Of course," Wendy said confidently. "The Jimmy John's sandwich I bought him is resting comfortably in his stomach."

"...you BITCH! You bribed him with food?!"

Wendy just smirked villainously and sashayed away from him.

Once she had gone, Cartman smacked himself in the forehead. "BRIBERY, why didn't I think of that?!"

The very next day, Cartman and Butters were just walking through the halls when they saw that some of the roles for the play had been posted on a big board.

Cartman squinted his eyes at it. "Ugh, and Wendy Testaburger got the part of Juliet. At least there won't be any more Gnomeo auditions! Who'd wanna act alongside that floozy?"

"Come on now, Eric," said Butters. "What boy wouldn't want to kiss Wendy Testaburger?"

"UH, ME!" snapped Cartman.

Stan showed up and interrupted the two. "UH, Wendy already has a boyfriend, so if anyone's supposed to play Gnomeo and kiss her, it should be him!"

"And who's that?" asked Butters.

"ME!" cried Stan. "I'M Wendy's boyfriend!"

"You are? Oh, congratulations, buddy!" Butters grinned as Stan gave him an irritated look. "But I thought you didn't wanna be in the play anymore."

"I...don't!"

"Oh, Stan, don't be jelly that someone else'll be smoochin' on Wendy. It's just acting, after all!"

"Yeah, I know! Yeesh!" groaned Stan. He was having some trouble coping with this. He had botched his own chances of playing Gnomeo by completely bombing his audition, but he hadn't told anybody about it. He walked away in a huff.

"Well, no Gnomeo yet," observed Cartman. "I'm gonna go see what's taking Mackey so long to decide..."

Cartman strode into the auditorium and found Mr. Mackey at a table, looking pretty stressed out. Cartman could see that on the table were two photographs. One was of Butters, and one was of Cartman.

"The hell is this?"

Mr. Mackey spun around in his chair. "Oh! E-Eric! Y-You're not supposed to be in here, m'kay!"

"What's taking you so long to decide?! Pick ME to play Gnomeo already, asshole!"

"Mmmn, Eric, your performance was REALLY good, it's just that maybe...maybe little Leopold was better, m'kay?!"

Cartman eyed the photo. "Butters?! That little ass-pussy auditioned too?"

"And he did BEAUTIFULLY!" sobbed Mackey.

While he continued to cry, Cartman just stared at him, realizing the counselor had finally lost his mind. Slowly, Cartman reached over and swiped the picture of Butters off of the table. He hid it behind his back.

"See, Mr. Mackey? Look; the choice was obvious all along."

Mackey wiped his tears and eyed the lone headshot of Eric. "Wow...it's all so clear to me now. M'kay."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

All the students who had been selected for the play were gathered around Mr. Mackey on the stage for rehearsal.

"M'kay, everyone! Welcome to the first rehearsal for 'Gnomeo & Juliet'! I'm proud to announce to you all that I have decided who will play our Gnomeo! And that little boy is...ERIC CARTMAN!"

Every student present on the stage gasped, but none of them more loudly than Wendy.

"Cartman?!"

The boy in question dramatically rose out of a platform in the middle of the stage, with smoke and everything. He took a few bows.

"Please, everyone, save your applause for opening night," he said, even though no one was applauding.

Wendy scurried over to Mr. Mackey. "Um, is it too late to drop out?"

"Drop out?" asked the counselor. "But Wendy, you said you already knew every line of the play, by heart! How could I find a replacement for you? Besides, all casting decisions are final, and we really need to get started with rehearsal, m'kay?"

"What about my understudy?"

"Oh, no understudies. Also due to the budget cuts. But in hindsight, we really should've kept those instead of the rising platform and smoke machine, m'kay," he replied and walked off.

Wendy pinched the bridge of her nose and Cartman stalked up behind her.

"Thinking of dropping out?" he taunted. "Can't say I blame you; with my acting in this play, I'll make everyone else look like the cast of Talia in the Kitchen."

"You IDIOT!" snapped Wendy. "Don't you get it?! The two of us got the lead roles! In a ROMANTIC play! We're gonna have to ACT LIKE WE'RE IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER!"

Cartman's face fell. "Well...it's not like we're gonna have to kiss or anything, right? They took those parts out, right? I mean, we're just kids!"

"Ugh, dumbass..." Wendy scoffed as she ditched him.

"...what a BITCH."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

In some strange turn of events, Cartman and Wendy refused to speak to each other until opening night. In stark contrast of the previous week where the two were obsessed with each other, during rehearsals, they would completely disregard each other's existence, and refuse to do any scenes together. Mr. Mackey began getting nervous about the state of the play...

Finally, opening night came, and the school auditorium was filled to the brim with bored parents and siblings.

"Dude, are sure you wanna see this play?" asked Kyle. "I bet it's gonna suck; Cartman's playing Gnomeo, you know."

Stan bristled with rage, speaking through his teeth. "No way...I'm cool...I'm a supportive boyfriend...wouldn't miss this for the world..."

Backstage, the crew's costumes finally arrived. There hadn't been any dress rehearsals (budget cuts are a real bitch) so this was the first time the kids had tried on their costumes.

Wendy tugged at the skirt of her little gnome dress in distaste. "I've never felt so stupid in my entire life."

"Good," scoffed Cartman. "Matches the way you look."

"SHUT IT, Gnomeo."

With a huff, Cartman adjusted his beard and sauntered off.

After Mr. Mackey's little introduction/apology for organizing the play, it began, and it was just as lame as everyone expected. There were awkward cheers from anxious parents and all the usual stuff at first.

However, to everyone's, including Mackey's surprise, Cartman and Wendy seemed to be performing the best, even in their less than ideal roles. It was like they couldn't take their eyes off of each other...

Many gnome puns and garden antics later, it was time for Cartman and Wendy's big passionate kiss in front of the deadly lawnmower.

The two of them seemed to be taking their time getting to it. After a lengthy pause, their mouths finally made contact for a split second. Kyle made sure to cover Stan's eyes during it.

"Dude, what'd you do that for?" Stan batted his friend's hands away. "I missed that super important scene Wendy kept going on about!"

"I did it for your own good, Stan," Kyle replied. "You looked like you were about to explode."

The rest of the play went pretty smoothly. Kyle was just relieved that Stan had gone to the bathroom during the wedding scene.

After all was said and done, half the parents demanded their money back and were angrily leaving the school. Mr. Mackey begrudgingly refunded them, even though he was actually proud of how the play turned out. The performing students were cleaning up the last of the play's production pieces.  
And, of course, Cartman and Wendy were the last two people left backstage.

"Ugh." Wendy picked up her script and walked past the portly boy. "Let me make one thing clear before I go. That kiss? NEVER happened."

Cartman shot her a glare. "Like you have to tell me! I nearly puked right there onstage!"

"Likewise. But that aside, your acting wasn't AWFUL, I guess."

"Oh, yeah? Less awful than Stan?"

"I don't know...! You can't expect me to compare you to him! Besides, I just gave you a compliment, you ingrate!"

"Oh, yeah. Thanks, I GUESS. You didn't completely suck either."

"Hmph," Wendy flipped her hair. "I don't want or need your opinion."

"Well, I didn't ask for yours either, bitch!"

"Hmm, that's funny; that's exactly how this whole thing got started! With you providing stupid answers to questions no one asked!"

"Maybe we should just avoid each other from now on, then!" Cartman suggested, taking a step towards Wendy.

"Sounds good to me!" She stepped forward as well.

"Yep, great!"

"Excellent!"

"Awesome!"

"FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!" they hollered in each other's faces.

The two exchanged a gaze as they caught their breath.

"...God, I don't have time for this." Wendy immediately turned and left.

Cartman almost called out to her, but he didn't. It wasn't like he'd know what to say anyway. So, he just sat there, alone with his thoughts for a bit. As he packed up his things, he realized something. None of that petty fighting shit with Wendy mattered. Because at the end of the day, she had kissed and complimented(?) him.

And that was enough to make him feel like he'd won.

* * *

(A/N: Eyyy, I finished it! And, fun fact, this is my 50th story on this site! Congrats to me, I guess. Sorry if some of this was rushed, my computer screwed up and I had to type a lot of this over again...so that was annoying.

Well, hope you enjoyed the story. Please review and fave if you did, and check out my profile for more. Au revoir!)


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